things you shouldn't do if you're trying to pick up a girl at a bar. My second installation.
1.) Open with the line "Do you like Cleavland Steamers." maybe this is a funny thing to say after you've been talking to a girl for a while, and you've established the fact that you are being funny and you're not actually going to shit on her chest. as an opener.... never.
2.) Punch her in the face four times while you're dancing with her. if you don't know how to do fancy spins without punching a girl in the face, don't do fancy spins. and if you punch her in the face once, do not do 3 more spins and continue to punch her in the face.
3.) Lets say you actually do get a girls attention, and you get her to approach you. such as in the following scenario. Last night i was wearing a shirt that on the front said "Franks Says Relax" and the back said "don't do it." A guy tapped me on the shoulder and opened his blazer to reveal a shirt that said "just do it." So I walked up to him and said "Are you my soulmate?" (sorry KTDM) He said "no. your shirt says 'don't do it.' mine says 'just do it.' i'm just saying, maybe you shouldn't be so uptight." and he said it as if he was serious. My advice is, maybe stick with something a little more positive and opens the door for more conversation.
I will say that my "be a condescending bitch to boys who use douchy pick up lines on you because it will at least be funny for you since this is clearly not gonna go anywhere" game kinda backfired last night. As i was talking to my friends, some dude came up and said "You're not even gonna say hi to me?" i condescendingly said "oh. sorry for being so rude. my bad." He said "how have you been?" i condescendingly said "You mean since the last time i saw you? i'd say i'm doing alright, yourself" he said "do you not remember me?" but he's still saying it as if he's playing some sort of game or dropping some sort of line, so i continue to be condescending and say "oh of course i do. we're like BFFs, hang out all the time! good to see you!" he said "no seriously. i've met you like 6 times." What he didn't know was that i have a very good memory of at least faces if not names. i would have believed him if he said he had seen me at party or a club or whatever, but MET me 6 times seems unlikely. so i ask "Oh really? Whats my name?" he thinks for second and says "i can't think of it but i know it starts with a C" could be a lucky guess. but guessing 'c' generally isn't a good 'go to' for a girls name. I'm starting to think maybe i HAD met this kid "i say yes. its casey. and yours?" he answers "Brian. You're friends with T Wigg right?" shit. yes. i am friends with Tom Wigg, thats who i was there with that night. "i went to high school... and actually middle school with him." oops! i ask "So... I actually know you?" he says "Yes. I've hung out with you multiple times with drewmate and HWP Jones the third, you're on all tom's mass email lists.. i think i have an email from you on my phone right now." no way to recover from that. i smile say "Oh, right, Brian. of course i remember you! how have you been?" he says "you have no idea who i am do you?"
he was correct. i apologized to Tom for being a complete and utter condescending bitch to his friend. I apologized to him later explaining that I'm not usually a huge bitch, i just thought he was trying to use a douchy pick up line on me, and i don't deal with that very well. he said he understood.
a man. dressed in a red tight v-neck shirt. bright orange pants, with tanning lotioned skin to match, with black shoulder length curly hair. like.... spiral curls. i checked if it was a wig multiple times. approximate age: 32.
he was siting on the same 'bench' as i was, with one person between us. he kept mumbling to himself, most of if too quiet to make out, even after i turned of my ipod to devote my full attention to him. But what i did hear him say was simply amazing.
"Go to Chicago. IF you have $8000 in your bank account" starts laughing as if $8000 is them most unreasonable thing he's ever heard. "the only way to get there though is from broadway to 23rd"
we were at 14th street and the train conductor announced transfers and connections. the man said "PATH TRAIN!?! AWESOME!!!" then got super serious and said "whoops! shouldn't have heard that."
"does anyone have some sunkist? i really need the caffeine"
"what happened to our story about the gardener?"
unfortunately, those are really the only things i could make out. but i'm sure whatever he was saying the rest of our 17ish minute relationship on the F train was simply amazing. i really wish i could have taken a picture of him, but i was afraid he would totally notice and kick the shit out of me.
Styleline Magazine did an article on FIGO salon in Birmingham, MI. My FIGO Family flew me home so I could model for them. I was extremely flattered and honored. Rino and Kristina always do such a great job with photoshoots, and this was no exception. Plus it was great to hang out with all my old coworkers and friends for a weekend. Here's some of the pics from the shoot. (Hair and Styling by Kristina Marra of FIGO salon, Make up by Justin Ruppel of FIGO salon Photography by John Roe)
here's a link to the article in case you'd like to read it. especially pages 56-60 as well as the table of contents on page 13. some one might be famous.
86.3 the groove recently celebrated its one year anniversary. CONGRATS TO US. an entire year living together, and no one has died. or gone to jail. that's truly remarkable. We also recently (or about a month ago) started renovating our apartment to make it look like grown ups live here. or at least a house full of good actors who from time to time like to play make believe. we still have a little work to do, but what we've done so far is looking prettttty good. i really do LOVE my roommates and feel so happy and honored to be a part of this somewhat dysfunctional, but ultimately loving and supportive family we've created here in nyc.
Here's some pictures courtesy of Roger.
It also was nice to spend all weekend couped up in the apartment together with nothing but good company, good conversation and some paint fumes. We had a lot of good conversations about Sylvia Plath, were jared reminded me that i couldn't say things like "i just can't imagine killing myself while my children were in the house" because i'm not a mother yet. i may or may not still feel like that when the time comes. we read parts of the Kinsey report after a discussion of the Feminine Mystique where i finally found motivation to go to grad school. "Women with higher education are more likely to orgasm than women who get married young." These bachelor's degree O's just aren't cutting it for me. I also remembered how funny the name "Patches O'Houlihan" was. I said "you know whats funny? the name Patches O'Houlihan." and laughed to myself for 25 minutes.
matt also had one of the wittiest quickest comebacks i've ever heard.
Casey: Aren't you guys glad i'm not a total girlie girl, and i'm actually handy around the house? Matt: I'll be a lot happier when i start receiving those handies.
another important discovery made while working on these renovations. the True Value 2 blocks from our house in the most happenin' place in brooklyn. every time we went to the hardware store we'd end up staying for at least an extra half an hour laughing about things such as 11" ballcocks. and the music there is better than any club i've been to in the city. i'm not even joking. now if only we could get them to fix the soda machine so we could be drinking orange soda while we walk around, and stay open til 4am, i think we may just have ourselves a new hangout.
I've decided as part of our 3.5 week detox (that was officially ruined on the first day of our detox. by about 6pm) I'm going to cook more. mostly because i'm poor. also because people seem to like reading food blogs. and because i'm really sick of the sorry excuses for "Restaurants" in Bushwick. Except chinese food, but i can no longer go back there.
a couple weeks ago, i decided to stop by the Chinese take out place conveniently locate at the steps of the subway. I ordered my food, paid, threw a dollar on the counter and patiently waited for my orange chicken. he gave me my food, and stared at the dollar on the counter. "Miss?" he said. "Yeah, thats for you" i said. He looked at me like i was crazy. thats when i remembered that you don't tip for chinese FOOD you tip for chinese food DELIVERY. or a waiter at an actual restaurant, i suppose. not some guy working behind a counter at what would be equivalent to a McDonald's. embarrassing. so i'm never going back. i don't need their slanty eyes of judgment. (racial).
so i came home and cooked. and what a beautiful i prepared, if i do say so myself.
i know what you're thinking. "WOAH! Where'd you learn to cook a meal like that??? did you graduate from some sort of culinary school? is the plate sitting on a chair because you don't own a kitchen table or an end table? Are those fish filets from a box? did those waffle fries come pre-seasoned??? what brand of ketchup did you use? Do you and your roommates own an entire set of blue plastic cutlery?"
you know what, guys? I don't have time to answer those questions, ok! I'm really busy avoiding looking at my bank statement, not doing my own laundry and sitting next to 3 months of gas bills that haven't been paid even though we only own national grid approximately $6 each. I will tell you this. i'm going to make some man so happy someday.
Best part of the meal, however, is yet to come. When i went to the bodega next door to buy an orange soda, i was lucky enough to find the most perfectest desert:
just in case you folk in the back can't quite read that, its called a BUBU LUBU. Don't mind if i DOBU. this candybar seems a little too good to be TRUEBU. the best part about it....
it looks like Hanky the Christmas POOBU.
ok i'll stop.
but if you have any questions, feel free to call the number listed on the back of the candy bar. they seem to encourage it. (too small for a photograph, so i'll have to type it out) GET IN TOUCH WITH US. 18 77 22 47 374 A good Americanly formatted phone number. i can't guarantee it'll be a toll free call.
A post-pubescent meal such as this can mean one thing: I don't respect myself.
i did manage to use the oven all by myself. Gold star for me.
Its time for what has become an annual event at 86.3 the groove. our infamous 2 week Detox. Starting today until St. Patty's day, the 4 of us will give up substance abuse, fried food and i give up shitty television. Last year we were all 100% successful. I have nothing but complete faith that we will pull it off again. only one problem. I just realized we miscalculated and St Patty's day is actually 3.5 weeks away. i guess thats what we get for being such wastoids. we can't even put together a proper detox. we should have planned this when we were sober. shit.
luckily for me, a homeless woman found it and called my parents 7 times starting at 6:30am. and anthony a little before 9. and bully's deli twice. which is super strange because i had ordered a sandwich from there on tuesday night, but don't have the number saved in my phone. i googled it out of curiosity when i got home. so she either scrolled thru ALL of my outgoing calls and found the only 212 number i've called all week, or she, too, wanted a buffalo chicken wrap. no calls to any foreign countries, so thats good. My parents called both my roommates, twice each, leaving voicemails about my safety and where abouts. i was sleeping soundly on drew's couch. I actually didn't think it was a big deal when i realized i had lost my phone and called it to check my voicemail and found out that some crazy homeless lady found it. a little surprised when she answered. I was caught off guard and could only think to say "Hello? do you have my phone?" Drew kindly informed me "if she says no, she's lying." The whole thing went a lot more smoothly than when i left my phone in a cab a few months ago, and the cab driver called roger, but didn't speak english and kept yelling "TELEPHONO" and then hanging up. Why even bother getting in touch with me if you're going to make zero effort to give me my phone back? or speak english. But apparently it was kind of a big deal to people like my parents. Crazy homeless lady informed me that she had called both of my parents, and apologized in case she got me in trouble. "no, they're cool. its fine" I called my Dad to let him know i had tracked my phone and was gonna go pick it up (AKA would not be borrowing $200 for a new blackberry) and he said "well i can finally breathe now. do you have any idea what its like to get a phone call from some crazy homeless woman that she's found your daughters phone in pieces in the streets of new york city and have no way to get in contact with you?" i can't really say that i do, but i would imagine it wasn't the most pleasant morning in my household. "hold on, let me get your mother so she can hear your voice." The crazy homeless lady had told my mother she found it "on these damn dirty streets." my mother called jared explaining 'apparently casey was in a not so great place last night..." which is really funny to me because i was at "avenue" in the meat packing district. i probably dropped my phone getting into the limo that took us home.
people who were contacted in order to find me/my phone for those of you keeping track: -Mom -Dad -Anthony -Bully's Deli -Emily -Jared -Roger -Matt -Carrie -Katie -Harry -Drew -Kelly K -Cory
so that was the great search and rescue mission of 2010. there was actually a lot of details that were left out of that story because i felt like it was getting too long and boring. but lets just say losing my phone was possibly a bigger deal than baby jessica falling in that well. which, all said and done, i really do appreciate. good to know so many people care about me enough to track me down and make sure i'm not dead for my parents.
thats not really what i wanted to blog about today though. I wanted to start a new segment of my blog called "things you shouldn't say to a girl to try to pick her up at a bar." But that lily allen song 'knock em out' came on and i thought it was a good title... and the rest is history. so... without any further ado... "things you shouldn't say to a girl to try to pick her up at a bar." this will probably, most likely, unfortunately, be a reoccurring segment of my blog.
"just because i can't remember your name doesn't mean i'm not obsessed with you"
"You seem like a girl i could talk to for more than 20 minutes without wanting to kill myself"
"your boyfriend doesn't appreciate your haircut"
"we kinda had a bet going to see if you girls were on a first date or something. we've been watching you all night."
those things are complimentary or interesting. Ok, i lied, the haircut line has a 50% chance of eliciting a response. i just personally refuse to reward any boy for a line like that where i have to start out my response with "i don't have a boyfriend." don't think you're tricking us with that. we know exactly what you're trying to do. it is not slick or subtle. but, the idea of my haircut being underappreciated is hilarious. I do like to reward things that are creative and funny.
Now, a one act play.
PLACE: Puck Fair. New York, NY TIME: a couple weeks ago CAST: The role of Casey will be played by Casey. The role of boy will be played by a boy at puck fair. Lights up! and.. go. Boy: "Can i buy you a drink" Casey: "oh, no thats ok. actually my friends and i are about to leave" Boy: "Oh come on, stay for one drink." Casey: "No i really can't, but thank you for the offer" Boy: "No don't worry about it, its on the company card."
Casey thinks to herself "where exactly to do work that i am considered a business expense?" slash "oh thank god! for a minute i was worried that you were gonna spend $8 of your OWN money on a drink i didn't want in the first place." but boy has walked away too quickly for her to chose which to say to him.
Boy reenters the scene with an 18oz bottle of beer and a glass. *note to the properties master: beer bottles don't exist in that size, but if this kid can make it happen so can you. Casey pours half of the beer in the glass and hands it to the boy. they talk (casey should not be portrayed as a complete bitch. she is actually being quite polite to boy's face), Casey passes the bottle she's drinking out of to the 4 friends accompanying her in an effort to finish it quickly and leave (note from the playwright. casey is kind of a bitch).
Boy: "I'm sorry 3 of my friends came over here to talk to you earlier" FLASHBACK: montage of 3 boys separately approaching Casey as she's pleasantly talking with her friends to tell her how outstanding she looks. she is flattered, and very surprised, but not impressed. Cut back to present time. Boy: I think i lost my job today, so they're trying to set me up with you because you're so hot."
And... Curtain.
what. how do you even respond to that?
Now, i do give guys that hit on me at bars a little bit of credit. it takes balls to walk up to me because i'm constantly surrounded by dudes where ever i go. it actually really doesn't happen that often, so you would think with the amount of complaining about being single that i've done that 'beggars can't be choosers' and i should treat these prospective future boyfriends a little more delicately. however, i am not impressed by 'game' at all, and i will not put up with it. i recognize that shit immediately and make sure do everything in my power to make it as difficult as possible for a guy to get any information out of me at all. or i just don't respond at all and find an excuse to walk away if i'm feeling courteous. but most of the time, i'm condescending as hell. as i should be. at least its a little more entertaining for me. i think pick up lines that aren't funny are just insulting to my intelligence. which is why i've listened to that lily allen song four times while writing this entry.
"Oh yeah, actually yeah I'm pregnant, having a baby in like 6 months so no."
"Umm... i'm like, getting married next week. yeah, seriously."
"Nah I've gotta go cos my house is on fire, I've hot Herpes, err no I've got syphilis..."
don't be surprised if you hear me saying any of those things to some rando at some point. in an english accent. also, don't be surprised when i die alone with my cat and gallons upon gallons of ice cream wearing some type of jogging running windpant attire.
now, on with the blog entry: Last week, KTDM and I went to the Guggenheim to see their Motion and Emotion... presentation? series? it wasn't an exhibit. but i don't really know what its called. It was a speaker, Biological Anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher talking about the science of love, and two dancers from the Paris Ballet doing 3 pieces about love. a cruel reminder that i'm not in love, nor am i a ballerina. Happy Valentines day to me. I've come to terms with the fact that i will never be an actual ballerina. I stopped taking ballet when i was 4, which was my first mistake. I had one last hoorah in high school with my " good witch of the north" ballet solo. I think i've milked that lack of talent for all its worth at this point. However, i did learn a lot about love that i think i will use in my future. actually not really. I learned about the brain systems that are engaged when one feels 'in love' and the evolutionary reasoning behind the human tendency toward monogamous relationships , and a little about why we choose the people we fall in love with. So not necessarily useful information in my quest to get married in the next 6 months so i can quit my job and audition full time, but I'm a huge nerd and loved every second of it. i was actually a little upset that i didn't have a pen and notepad when i was there. I'll probably buy all of her books. I won't bore you with more details. unless you ask me to. in which case, i may even pull out my old training folder from Olin Health Center and my Interpersonal Relationships class notes and give you a full blown presentation. i will get so excited as i'm talking about it i'll probably get tears in my eyes. just like when i talk about Egypt. which i actually don't know that much about, but am so fascinated by.
I will just say, Dr. Fisher has a quiz up online based from her book 'Why Him, Why Her.' Its one of the more accurate personality tests i've taken. If you're into that sort of thing. the website is http://www.chemistry.com/whyhimwhyher/ yes, it is on a dating site, but its still really interesting.
It was also a reminder that i actually could go back to school for something if i really needed to. I don't know if Biological Anthropology is the right path, as it sounds like a LOT more school and a LOT of science. But maybe a masters in Public Health and study Sexual Health Education. Working as a creative consultant in sexual health in college was HANDs down the best JOB i've ever had. those two words were not capitalized for dramatic effect in context of the sentence, just for the record.
But... who are we kidding. my true passion is still acting. or directing. but mostly acting. However, when i am rich and famous and ready to donate some time/money back into the community, i'm gonna start a theatre troupe like the one i did in college (In Your Face Reality Theatre) and travel to inner high schools. may have to tone it down a little for high schoolers though.
More fun Stories about my priceless little sister Emily, with special appearance by my older sister, Kelly.
to begin... a picture. all three girls. making our "dad" face. For those of you who have never met my dad, this is what he looks like.
You would think that since i am older than emily by a full 17 months, that i would have had the upperhand growing up. and maybe even a little now... i am still older. and taller. This has never been true. i have always been the one that gets picked on. always the victim of the practical jokes. especially when emily and kelly join forces. I guess i am the middle child, and should have expected it.
the good news for me is, they're usually not very good at pulling off aforementioned practical jokes. For example, when i come back from the bathroom to kel and emily sitting at the table staring at me with huge grins on their faces as i sit down, and start urging me to drink my coke, i am smart enough to not do it. "c'mon Casey, aren't you thirsty? drink your coke casey, just drink it! its gonna get warm. its gonna go flat. you better drink it!" "what did you guys do to my drink" "nothing. just drink it." "... no. what did you do." "um.... maybe we put a baby carrot in it. " then they start cracking up, and i go dump out the rest of my soda.
or years later at my great-grandmother's FUNERAL i disappeared for a few minutes for whatever reason, and when i came back to my sisters standing outside the funeral home, they hand me my chocolate milk and say 'taste it its really good.' this time they had mixed in some cream soda into my chocolate milk. to this day they swear it was good. i was still mad.
the meanest thing they ever did was when we would all be going around spitting off jokes round-table style and after a few jokes, when i would say something, they would both stop laughing and just look at me. that's a terrible thing to do to someone's self esteem. they eventually told me that the DID do it on purpose, but it wasn't actually planned. it just so happened that they both decided to stop laughing at me on the same joke ALL the time. thanks girls.
but the all time best joke emily has ever played on me was my senior year of high school. Emily and I had just had our wisdom teeth out. The whole process really grossed me out. we all know how i feel about the dentist. and losing teeth. add on top of that the fact that there were dissolving stitches?!?! I'm sorry, i promised to go a full week without a story about me being a big baby, but i can't. that shit is gross. For those of you who have never had dissolving stitches, the adjective 'dissolving' isn't quite correct. the just kinda fall out into your mouth. 2 inches of gross stitches all of a sudden on your tongue. anyone who is NOT a baby about that probably has something wrong with them. SO, i'm eating one of my first meals of solid food, a plate of spaghetti, and talking on the phone (i think to chris hall, actually) i stand up, leave the room, come sit back down on the couch and finished my spaghetti. (we rarely had family dinners at a table... for reasons which are probably mostly emily's fault. an up coming blog entry i'm sure) Emily enters the room again and stares at me and laughs as if she's pulled off yet another practical joke. C: what did you do E: wasn't it funny?!?! C: wasn't what funny? E: the spaghetti C: what about it? what did you do? E: the stitches. C: What are you talking about? E: one of my stitches fell out. i put it on your spaghetti C: (gagging) WHAT? no i didn't see it! E: I put it right on top! C: I was talking on the phone! i probably didn't even see it! i probably stirred my spaghetti when i sat down and never even looked it! E: (look of absolute horror sweeps across her face) Do you think you... ate... my stitches? C: PROBABLY! (panic, terror, puke, tears) E: I put it right on top! how did you not see it? (laughing nervously) C: How do you put stitches in someone's food and then leave the room?
I was pretty mad. and grossed out. and rightfully so. But even at the time, i kind of though it was funny, and she was pretty hilarious for doing it. So i told all my friends the next day at school. it was a pretty good story. what am i talking about 'was' a good story... clearly it 'is' a good story. or i wouldn't be writing about it in my precious blog. only the best for you, dearest blog.
about 6 years later, emily looked at me and said "remember the time you ate my stitches" which she liked to do from time to time to laugh at me and watch me gag. i answered begrudgingly 'yes.' then she looks at me in all seriousness and says "that never happened. i never put my stitches in your spaghetti." um. what? "i just thought it would be funny to watch your reaction if i told you i did. i would never let you actually eat my stitches." but... you let me believe i ate your stitches for 6 years. "yeah, i was pretty funny." emily, i told everyone i know that story . " I KNOW. i had to go around and tell EVERYONE you told that you didn't!"
so. emily is funnier than me. i've accepted that a long time ago. but she's also a better actress than me. i believed her for SIX YEARS. and she's way more dedicated than me. i though i'd do anything for a joke.. but geese louise. retracing my steps and correcting the story to everyone i told! oh yeah, and letting the joke play on for SIX YEARS if i hadn't mentioned that. damn, she's good. it actually wouldn't surprise me if in 6 years from now she told me it was true, that i, in fact, did eat her stitches my senior year of high school. at which point i will punch her in face.
