Fame and Fortune and Glory

my show is famous! Check us out in NY Mag Y'all!!!!

so this post doesn't have a title. big whoop. wanna fight about it?

I've had a very busy month of july. new job, family emergency, pet emergency, rehearsing 3 shows. i've been a busy girl. yet... really nothing to write about. how does that happen? my mind is too busy memorizing my lines, learning my duties at work, grieving over my cat and stressing about my father to entertain me?!?!? GET IT TOGETHER, BRAIN! i need you to be funny to me all the time or my life sucks.

heehee. duties at work. get it? like pooping in your place of employment? OR like poopoo that HAS a job and is currently doing it! yeah, that's a better mental image. lets go with that.

the good news is i really like everything i'm doing. ok i didn't "like" my dad being in the hospital, that's just cruel. But i did like spending time with my family.

OH here's a funny story! So i was standing on a packed train Monday morning on my way to work, sitting directly in front of me was a gentlemen in his 30's. Enter: Beautiful woman in her late 20's with long brown hair to my right. aka, not directly in front of this gentleman. He tries to get my attention, which he does because i am standing directly in front of him, i take out my earphone and he asks me to nudge the beautiful lady to get her attention, because she is not standing directly in front of him and is looking the other way. She then turns to him and he says to her "would you like to sit down?" and offers her his seat. She declines. they go back to their business. i pause while my brain processes the emotions i am feeling. Ok...i may not be a supermodel, but i am a model. just kidding. but my self esteem was bruised. i was SO astonished. So I gave them both dirty looks. which is when i realize the beautiful girl was pregnant. PHEW. offering a girl a seat because she's preggo is TOTALLY acceptable, and even admirable. offering a girl a seat because she's prettier than me is not ok. I guess that's not really a funny story in all actuality. it was a funny story for the 5 minutes i felt like shit about myself. maybe i should have just left it at that.

also this:Thanks to Kelheen for sending that to me.

OK, everyone. time to get on with your day.

c'est la V

THANK GOODNESS someone read my blog and listened to my concern about how absolutely pointless the V train is... and as of yesterday, it will no longer be wasting my time.

my next problem with the MTA... when you make the change the M train (which now heads into midtown just in time for me to start my new job in the empire state building... which of course i think is great) to the orange line, when it's in brooklyn, on the J line, it looks absolutely terrible next to the brown. really, really bad. ugh... you were THIS close to having it right, MTA.

also, you neglected to answer a lot of other questions i had about the subway system. but i'll be patient.

Now on to the pedestrians of NYC. i can't even begin to tell you how much i hate you. but let me just offer at least this much advice. if you are a slow walker, that's fine. i understand. i'm from the midwest too, and at one point was a tourist. However. Don't walk in big groups that take up the entire sidewalk, your huge suitcase should stay directly behind you instead of taking up the entire sidewalk, and you should try to walk in a straight line instead of weaving back and forth taking up the entire sidewalk. I don't know if you realize this, but these cardinal sins of side-walking make it so i can NEVER get around you. its rude. I know you think New Yorkers are rude for sometimes being vocal about your interference, but we have jobs to go to. I mean.. i'm still too much of a polite young lady from the midwest to be vocal about this-- but just know, i am hating you in my brain.

'lady.' GOD i'm funny.

OH i almost forgot. best part of the new subway changes is at 14th and 6th....

How amazing is that? NYmag reports that they're changing it. I strongly urge you, MTA to not make such a mistake. this sign will brighten my day 100% of the time.

at least its memory will be preserved here. in my blog. forever.

Mon Frere, Derriere

Hold on to your butts: this blog will contain graphic information. graphic, personal information. i should probably keep it to myself, but of course i won't. I feel a certain sense of social obligation as a writer to share it because its so funny, and sense of social obligation as a lady to not. I possess only enough knowledge of social 'norms' and 'guidelines' to recognize when i'm stepping outside the boundaries, and not enough to follow them. lady... who are we kidding.

I had my first Brazilian bikini wax.

don't worry--- that's not even the "too inappropriate to share" part.

I work at a spa, so i KNOW the girl. that's awkward. small talk without pants on-- or panties for that matter (who hasn't had a conversation with me pant-less)

Staring at my Vag, she asked "Are you one of those 'i look like i'm really young but i'm really married with kids' people?" are you talking about me or my vag? we are both 25 and single.

now here's the cherry on top.

"put your knees together and pull them to your chest." wait for it wait for it wait for it... " huh. you've got a lot of intricate stuff going on back here."





what?


wh-WHAT? what does that even mean?

in·tri·cate -adjective
1. having many parts or facets; entangled or involved: an intricate maze

2. complex; hard to understand, work, or make: an intricate machine.

she said it in such a neutral way i didn't know if it was a positive thing or negative. just very 'matter of fact' ly. your asshole hair is intricate.

was it exceptionally long? was there a lot of it? was the density of the hair different than other hair on my body? did it have natural highlights? was it braided in cornrows?

I must admit i don't really look at my own ass hair all that often, nor do i look at other people's. i feel the need to make some phone calls to some ex-lovers. "hey! its been a while, how are you? ok, ok, good, whatever. was the hair on my asshole ever--- distinguishable in anyway?"

Roger made the keen observation that i could have just waxed off the Picasso of Pubic hair. that it could be the biggest mistake of my life. my 'sliding doors' moment. Ellis is wondering if it was the source of all my powers. what if my blog writing suffers from this? Jared wonders if it was acting as a form of birth control-- sort of playing 'goalie.' (as you can imagine, this conversation lasted for hours). I guess we'll find out all of these things in due time.

Because i do embarrassing things all the time, i very rarely feel embarrassed. i've developed a tolerance. but i have to admit. this is going to go down in the books as being one of the more uncomfortable moments in my life.

i just googled 'butt jokes' to look for a good way to end this blog. couldn't find anything funny-- so that is your homework assignment. please leave a comment and amuse me with your best butt jokes.

look at meeeeee!

If this doesn't get me nominated for an Oscar, I don't know what will....

Say it With a Hot Girl! Starring Casey Nicole Wright!

check out other sketches by Sans Pants Productions here. they is funny.

Moons over My Hammy

bienvenido a my hammy.

I'm not going to even pretend for 1 single minute that i will be able to write a blog entry that has any 'flow' or 'logical transitions' or 'complete sentences.' not that that's ever been my specialty. but today is especially bad.

AMENDMENTS

In my last post, i mentioned that i broke my ipod. well turns out i'm a GENIUS and i fixed it all by myself. (then i dropped it that night and cracked the screen-- but it works. so you should save your money for other gifts for me.) FYI i also broke my Ipod about 2 weeks ago, and matt fixed it. maybe i should just start carrying around a diskman again. i never broke that mofo.

In a post i made a in January when i was talking about relating to every song i heard on the radio i made the following statement "'He just smiled and gave me a vegemite sandwich.' Ok. this one i don't really understand let alone relate to, but i sure do like it." WELL. guess who not only knows what a vegemite sandwich is, but actually ate one?!?!? after having a "he" smile and give it to me? that's right I DID. thanks, Australians!

NEW DISCOVERIES
these things i've known deep down for a while, but am ready to go fully accept as part of ME and move on. here's my public announcement:

I can't eat pretzels or almonds with out choking on them. i need to be drinking water as i eat them. or, you know, not eat them, but that seems silly. Yes, i did just announce on a public blog that i choke on nuts. don't worry about it.

I've also come to terms with the fact that i simply need to be everyone's favorite all the time. I don't know where this complex started. Probably early in life when i was undoubtedly the favorite child or maybe its because i've always been the best at everything i do, so i deserve it. Its not like i'm selfish or stuck up. i just know that i am the prettiest and funniest and smartest and coolest and should be treated as such. no big deal.

i really hate painting my toe nails, yet i hate them being naked, and i hate paying for a pedicure. as you can see, this leaves me in quite a predicament. PEDIcament. i'm gonna have to suck it up and paint them because its driving me crazy. but i'm really dreading it. Yes. this is my subtle way of inviting you over to my apt to paint my toe nails.

ELLIS my most beloved brit is coming to visit me today!!!. next weekend i'm going to the beach with the boys- unfortunately not with the beach boys, but i'll make it work. the weekend after i get to go home for Caitlin's wedding and to play with the TWO babies my mom has in foster care right now. if i can just make it through the next 9 days of working all the GD time, its gonna be gravy. Mosquitoes say what? (katie don't worry... its totally catching on).

'venezuelan' does not look like a word. don't even try to argue that it does.

I'm gonna make myself stop writing now. Its either that, or i have to start judging all of you for continuing to read the shit i put on this blog. I'd rather maintain at least a little respect for you. (see how nice i am! this is why i should be your favorite.)

"I'm working so i won't have to try so hard"

i've been bad at blogging lately. i'm sorry to let you down. turns out working 2 jobs sucks exponentially, logarithmically and aerodynamically more that working one-- according to the dewey decimal system.

also, nothing exciting has happened on the train. i haven't seen my roommates in what seems like weeks. i don't really go out anymore, because i've been working 10 hour days on saturdays, which ruins my friday night and my saturday. oh, and cus i'm old and lame and poor. BUT. i no longer work saturdays, and feel it is time to start making my own luck.

ideas.

1.) Get some sort of 'baby bump' to wear to bars. binge drink, maybe pick up smoking. see what people say. (I will also wear this baby bump on the train so people have to give me their seat.)
2.) Start sitting right next to people on trains/buses that are completely empty.
3.) Start offering strangers gum/mints/fruit snacks as i'm eating them. i think its the polite thing to do.
4.) greet perfect strangers as if i know them. "Hey man! how have you been? haven't seen you in years!" See how many people play along. i've actually done this on accident before. He replied "i don't think i know you" which was when i realized- no. no he did not. but i just said "Uh... i think you do." and walked away. let him think he's the crazy one.

i think my parents would be proud of me for setting goals with my life.

thats really all i gots. pathetic, i know.

OH also i broke my ipod. so someone should buy me a new one. ready, set, GO!

PS when you do a google image search for "the strokes 'i'm working so i don't have to try so hard'" this is what comes up:

a bushel and a peck and a hug around the neck

One thing I'm grateful for in regards to my childhood:
My family never wore matching outfits on vacations or in portraits. My mom would dress Emily and I in coordinating outfits when we were little-- and we accidentally did so ourselves in high school and would argue over who had to change. and since high school, we still accidentally match, but have learned to love it. We've been known to show up to outings coming from different cities wearing the same outfit. as pictured here in this... picture:

on this particular occasion, we were going to a Memorial Day service in our home town. Emily Drove in from Ann Arbor (Muck Fichigan), me from East Lansing (Sparty On!) when she walked in-- late-- we looked at each other and tried so hard not to laugh we started crying. and had to pass it off as if we were just really moved by the service as everyone bowed their heads in prayer. Also, as indicated by the picture above, we had twins in foster care at the time. who were, of course, dressed as twins should be; like twins. We made one handsome couple of couples that sunny afternoon.

The only time we dressed alike as a family of 6 (plus a couple of unsuspecting significant others who would inevitably, eventually break up with my siblings) was when my dad decided we should all wear Hawaiian shirts to a family reunion/50th anniversary party where my aunt and uncle were renewing their vows. Being 16 and super cool and hip and popular at the time, i thought it was stupid, and was silently pissed at my dad. looking back-- i think its HILARIOUS. quick important detail; we all wore the same Hawaiian shirt! that's so amazing! I wish i had a picture of it to post. It was the happiest i've ever seen my dad. I kept a close eye on him during my sister's wedding 6 years later to see if anything rivaled this moment-- walking her down the aisle, daddy daughter dance, etc etc-- nothing. note to self. solidify spot as 'favorite child' by letting dad wear a Hawaiian shirt to my black tie wedding.

my mom has a picture of the Hawaiianness. i'll make her scan it. Emily once referred to the picture as the 'time Dad got to drive the Oscar Meyer Weinermobile,' as that is the only thing that could elicit such an expression of pure joy that had overwhelmed my father's face. She was right. the rest of us may have been in the lobby of a hotel in Indiana, PA. But at that moment in time, he was driving the weinermobile.

oh wait.. i was supposed to be writing about why i'm glad we don't dress alike. what i was actually referring to was those custom made shirts that say something like "The Wright Stuff: Summer Vaca 1996" and have a picture of Mickey Mouse superimposed to your latest family portrait and are brightly colored so no one gets lost at the theme park. I'm glad i never had to wear one of those. I'm also glad i've never had to dress the same as my mother-- like, the exact outfit from head to toe. no offense, she's a wonderful woman. I saw a 14 year old girl and her mother walking down the street the other day in matching little get-ups, and i wanted to puke, then call my mother and thank her for her better judgment in that regard.

Outfits that match from head to toe in general are a bad idea-- even if it just matches itself. I saw a women with bright yellow jeans, a yellow t-shirt under a yellow jean vest, white shoes with yellow stripes and her fingernails were painted yellow, too. that is simply too much yellow. mix it up. coordinate an outfit... don't match it to everything on your body. I also saw a woman dressed in all pink the very same day. Solid pink cottonish cropped pants and a cotton ruffled pink shirt that matched exactly-it may have actually been a pajama set. her daughter was also wearing pink- but not quite matching. same shade different cut and style-- so i'll let it slide. also, she was pregnant, so she looked like a puffalump.

it was actually the shade of pink of that bunny's ears. no self respecting adult should wear that color on more than 10% of their body. it might have even been that material....

One thing i regret in regards to my childhood:
I wish i was raised in a culture where "Sunday Best" included some type of elaborate hat.

no more rhyming... i mean it. does anyone want a peanut?

To celebrate my new job in marketing... Check out these cool links!

1) the spa i work at.
2) the band that just moved into my building
3) my sister's video blog
4) my roommates show that just got extended... again.

i'm so good at my job.


Other thoughts/ discoveries this week.

I wish you could capitalize numbers.

I saw a lady on the bus curling her eyelashes with a spoon. for real. I stared at her a lot.

I had a cab driver who didn't speak english to the point that he had me write down the address of where i was going. Then when we got close, he said "tell me where you want," and i said "stop" 3 times before he understood me. He also listened to "learn to speak english" tapes (by tapes i mean CDs) the entire time. i thought that was a pretty good reason to not have to tip him. it was seriously the most annoying thing in the world. but instead i tipped him extra. i think he deserved it. he was trying really hard.

I've contemplated a way to get/reason why i deserve/reason why its convenient to get Popeye's chicken every day this week. but i have not eaten it once. i'm so proud of myself. i did, however, resort to eating pop-tarts for breakfast again. but i do deserve that, so its ok.

I dropped of 44lbs of laundry on monday, then watched TV for about 6.5 hours. it was a amazing. in hindsight, i should have done my taxes. but whatchagonna do.

that's all she wrote...

question of the day...

do anxiety attacks count as cardiovascular exercise?

20 mins 3X/week? please. on that shit like white on rice. I'm gonna live forever. or. die of from an anxiety disorder related incident before i'm 30. either way i"m gonna save a lot of money on gym memberships.