c'est la V

THANK GOODNESS someone read my blog and listened to my concern about how absolutely pointless the V train is... and as of yesterday, it will no longer be wasting my time.

my next problem with the MTA... when you make the change the M train (which now heads into midtown just in time for me to start my new job in the empire state building... which of course i think is great) to the orange line, when it's in brooklyn, on the J line, it looks absolutely terrible next to the brown. really, really bad. ugh... you were THIS close to having it right, MTA.

also, you neglected to answer a lot of other questions i had about the subway system. but i'll be patient.

Now on to the pedestrians of NYC. i can't even begin to tell you how much i hate you. but let me just offer at least this much advice. if you are a slow walker, that's fine. i understand. i'm from the midwest too, and at one point was a tourist. However. Don't walk in big groups that take up the entire sidewalk, your huge suitcase should stay directly behind you instead of taking up the entire sidewalk, and you should try to walk in a straight line instead of weaving back and forth taking up the entire sidewalk. I don't know if you realize this, but these cardinal sins of side-walking make it so i can NEVER get around you. its rude. I know you think New Yorkers are rude for sometimes being vocal about your interference, but we have jobs to go to. I mean.. i'm still too much of a polite young lady from the midwest to be vocal about this-- but just know, i am hating you in my brain.

'lady.' GOD i'm funny.

OH i almost forgot. best part of the new subway changes is at 14th and 6th....

How amazing is that? NYmag reports that they're changing it. I strongly urge you, MTA to not make such a mistake. this sign will brighten my day 100% of the time.

at least its memory will be preserved here. in my blog. forever.

Mon Frere, Derriere

Hold on to your butts: this blog will contain graphic information. graphic, personal information. i should probably keep it to myself, but of course i won't. I feel a certain sense of social obligation as a writer to share it because its so funny, and sense of social obligation as a lady to not. I possess only enough knowledge of social 'norms' and 'guidelines' to recognize when i'm stepping outside the boundaries, and not enough to follow them. lady... who are we kidding.

I had my first Brazilian bikini wax.

don't worry--- that's not even the "too inappropriate to share" part.

I work at a spa, so i KNOW the girl. that's awkward. small talk without pants on-- or panties for that matter (who hasn't had a conversation with me pant-less)

Staring at my Vag, she asked "Are you one of those 'i look like i'm really young but i'm really married with kids' people?" are you talking about me or my vag? we are both 25 and single.

now here's the cherry on top.

"put your knees together and pull them to your chest." wait for it wait for it wait for it... " huh. you've got a lot of intricate stuff going on back here."





what?


wh-WHAT? what does that even mean?

in·tri·cate -adjective
1. having many parts or facets; entangled or involved: an intricate maze

2. complex; hard to understand, work, or make: an intricate machine.

she said it in such a neutral way i didn't know if it was a positive thing or negative. just very 'matter of fact' ly. your asshole hair is intricate.

was it exceptionally long? was there a lot of it? was the density of the hair different than other hair on my body? did it have natural highlights? was it braided in cornrows?

I must admit i don't really look at my own ass hair all that often, nor do i look at other people's. i feel the need to make some phone calls to some ex-lovers. "hey! its been a while, how are you? ok, ok, good, whatever. was the hair on my asshole ever--- distinguishable in anyway?"

Roger made the keen observation that i could have just waxed off the Picasso of Pubic hair. that it could be the biggest mistake of my life. my 'sliding doors' moment. Ellis is wondering if it was the source of all my powers. what if my blog writing suffers from this? Jared wonders if it was acting as a form of birth control-- sort of playing 'goalie.' (as you can imagine, this conversation lasted for hours). I guess we'll find out all of these things in due time.

Because i do embarrassing things all the time, i very rarely feel embarrassed. i've developed a tolerance. but i have to admit. this is going to go down in the books as being one of the more uncomfortable moments in my life.

i just googled 'butt jokes' to look for a good way to end this blog. couldn't find anything funny-- so that is your homework assignment. please leave a comment and amuse me with your best butt jokes.

look at meeeeee!

If this doesn't get me nominated for an Oscar, I don't know what will....

Say it With a Hot Girl! Starring Casey Nicole Wright!

check out other sketches by Sans Pants Productions here. they is funny.