but it just may be a lunatic you're looking for

So, we all know how much i hate dating in this city. or lack there of. My friend Katie has recently created a template for an online dating profile on her blog. It was hilarious, so i've decided to straight up steal her idea.

Date Me, Too.

A Realistic Portrayal of Casey Nicole Wright
based on motivation by Katie of the Sea

From blog

Username:

GetUpInTheseGuts84

I am controlling, conceited, and pessimistic

(three words to describe myself)

My Self Summary

Can't seem to trick boys into dating me in real life, so its time to move onward and upward. Online dating!

I would say I have no idea what i want in life and am therefore open to new experiences, and 100% determined and set in my ways. I believe in hopes and dreams. I want to be an actress if/when i grow up. I am currently partially unemployed, so I'm looking for someone with enough money to support me and my drinking habits-- which includes the occasional m-f 40's/bottle of wine from the bodega/home made martini's with my roommates and the fri-sun bar crawl until i pass out or throw up with my friends. It would be really nice if i didn't have to get another soul sucking part time job so i can focus all of my energy on sleeping in and buying new outfits.

I'm very loyal. to my friends. i spend a lot of my free time with them, and will expect you to join right in so you can see me. warning: don't expect that just because i'll eat half chewed food out of my friend's mouth to prove that i'm really his best friend, that i'll do anything to prove my love for you. you're the man. its your job to prove that to me. call me old fashioned....

I come from a very loving and supportive family; we’re very close. When my brother and sisters planned a hiking trip in Colorado and didn’t invite me, I didn’t even tell them how much it bothered me. I’m just a really understanding, passive aggressive person. I’m looking for someone who knows how to smile through passive aggressive comments, or you will not survive holidays with my family.

Every girl has daddy issues, you should know i would quantify mine as 'extra medium.'

I love children, but probably won't have any of my own. seems like a lot of work/time/money, and my husband is going to have his hands full putting up with my needs... i'd feel bad putting him in charge of the children as well. Plus I've promised rental space of my uterus to about 1 million gays, and there's only so much 'fertile' time left. I'm not 13 anymore!!!

Speaking of 13, i have the figure of a prepubescent boy. I make up for it with my radiantly blue eyes (a homeless man once proposed to me in the middle of the street because he thought they were so beautiful), blond hair that is always styled and trendy (my picture is all over the salon I used to work at... and in a few Detroit based magazines) and modesty.

...remember when i said i love children... i think i mean their sense of humor, as it is strikingly similar to my own. If you don't think a knock knock joke, a joke i find on a Popsicle stick or laffy taffy wrapper, or a poop joke is funny, its ok. i'll be happy to explain it to you until you do, or until i'm laughing so hard i can't breathe.

lets see... what else. when i wear sunglasses, i think i can say whatever i want because people can't see me, which means they probably can't hear me either. So if i say something rude and you look over at me and see me in my shades, don't worry, i didn't mean for you to hear it and would NEVER say it to your face if i wasn't wearing sunglasses.

Where you fit in: I'm not really looking for someone to keep me company when i'm lonely, cus i live with 3 boys and treasure whatever alone time i can get, or hold me when i'm crying because i've become accustomed to doing that by myself alone in the dark or on the subway with complete strangers, or even make me laugh, cus i laugh at my own jokes ALL the time. I'm really just looking for someone to take me nice dinners and buy me pretty things. I would like nothing more than to become a trophy wife one day. Although i'm not very good at being socially acceptable, so you probably shouldn't try to 'show me off' in front of your friends. I drop something, spill something, run into something or fall down at least 3 times a day.

What I'm Doing with My Life

Working a few meaningless part time jobs to pay the bills, blogging, pretending to be a socialite but without the class or elegance or money, and apologizing to my father for all of the dollars he spent on my college education.

I'm Really Good At

Coming up with witty insults in record time. you can say just about anything... and i'll have something negative to say about it split seconds later.

The First Thing People Usually Notice about Me

my bangs. but i'm not a hipster, i swear. i stopped shopping at american apparel YEARS ago when it started becoming too trendy. now most of the clothes i buy are vintage.

Favorite Books, Music, Movies and Food

BOOKS - Everyone Poops.

MUSIC - any song that has "do do do's" or "la la la's" instead of real words in the chorus

MOVIES - The Godfather (which i've actually never seen, but it's a classic)

FOOD - If it's free, it's me.

Six Things I Could Never Do Without

1. poop jokes 2. orange soda 3. Heating pads (serious addiction) 4. Ancient Egypt 5. Spell Check 6. hot dogs

I Spend a Lot of Time Thinking about

The fact that I’m not a famous movie star and in a serious relationship with a rock star/doctor/lawyer/banker yet. That shit just boggles my mind!!! I’m SUCH a catch! People are always so surprised when they meet me to learn that I’m single AND am not signed with a single talent agency in NYC. I try to explain to them that i don't understand it either, but i feel uncomfortable talking about myself. i'm really down to earth. my fans appreciate that about me... just a small town midwest girl trying to make it in the big city.

On a Typical Friday Night I Am

Predrinking for Saturday night.

The Most Private Thing I'm Willing to Admit Here

~I once cried at a Beyonce concert because the song "Irreplaceable" was so moving.
~ i'm way more prone to buying new underwear than carrying my laundry bag 2 blocks to the Laundromat where i drop of my clothes for someone else to clean and fold, cus i know i'm just gonna have to walk there tomorrow and pick them up and carry them all the way home.

~i have trouble pronouncing the words "biological" and "aesthetically" and "dresser" or "dress" or any word beginning with a "dr"

You Should Message Me If
you are James Franco, Pete Doherty or Richie Sambora

You have day dreams about Rat C.E.O's and meetings they hold in the subway.

you are looking for a funny witty girl to treat like a princess. only don't ever call me a princess because it just has such a negative connotation these days.

not even on cold meds anymore...

Sometimes when i wear these slippers i'm afraid they're gonna take over my entire body and i will turn into a monster.

it hasn't happened yet, so thats good. although i think i'd be more of a friendly monster than a scary monster. so i guess i would be ok with it.

So... do you come here often?

things you shouldn't do if you're trying to pick up a girl at a bar. My second installation.

1.) Open with the line "Do you like Cleavland Steamers."
maybe this is a funny thing to say after you've been talking to a girl for a while, and you've established the fact that you are being funny and you're not actually going to shit on her chest. as an opener.... never.

2.) Punch her in the face four times while you're dancing with her.
if you don't know how to do fancy spins without punching a girl in the face, don't do fancy spins. and if you punch her in the face once, do not do 3 more spins and continue to punch her in the face.

3.) Lets say you actually do get a girls attention, and you get her to approach you. such as in the following scenario. Last night i was wearing a shirt that on the front said "Franks Says Relax" and the back said "don't do it." A guy tapped me on the shoulder and opened his blazer to reveal a shirt that said "just do it." So I walked up to him and said "Are you my soulmate?" (sorry KTDM) He said "no. your shirt says 'don't do it.' mine says 'just do it.' i'm just saying, maybe you shouldn't be so uptight." and he said it as if he was serious. My advice is, maybe stick with something a little more positive and opens the door for more conversation.

I will say that my "be a condescending bitch to boys who use douchy pick up lines on you because it will at least be funny for you since this is clearly not gonna go anywhere" game kinda backfired last night.
As i was talking to my friends, some dude came up and said "You're not even gonna say hi to me?" i condescendingly said "oh. sorry for being so rude. my bad." He said "how have you been?" i condescendingly said "You mean since the last time i saw you? i'd say i'm doing alright, yourself" he said "do you not remember me?" but he's still saying it as if he's playing some sort of game or dropping some sort of line, so i continue to be condescending and say "oh of course i do. we're like BFFs, hang out all the time! good to see you!" he said "no seriously. i've met you like 6 times." What he didn't know was that i have a very good memory of at least faces if not names. i would have believed him if he said he had seen me at party or a club or whatever, but MET me 6 times seems unlikely. so i ask "Oh really? Whats my name?" he thinks for second and says "i can't think of it but i know it starts with a C" could be a lucky guess. but guessing 'c' generally isn't a good 'go to' for a girls name. I'm starting to think maybe i HAD met this kid "i say yes. its casey. and yours?" he answers "Brian. You're friends with T Wigg right?" shit. yes. i am friends with Tom Wigg, thats who i was there with that night. "i went to high school... and actually middle school with him." oops! i ask "So... I actually know you?" he says "Yes. I've hung out with you multiple times with drewmate and HWP Jones the third, you're on all tom's mass email lists.. i think i have an email from you on my phone right now." no way to recover from that. i smile say "Oh, right, Brian. of course i remember you! how have you been?" he says "you have no idea who i am do you?"

he was correct. i apologized to Tom for being a complete and utter condescending bitch to his friend. I apologized to him later explaining that I'm not usually a huge bitch, i just thought he was trying to use a douchy pick up line on me, and i don't deal with that very well. he said he understood.

casey+single=forever.

come on ride the train... and ride it.

another spectacular find on the train this week.

a man. dressed in a red tight v-neck shirt. bright orange pants, with tanning lotioned skin to match, with black shoulder length curly hair. like.... spiral curls. i checked if it was a wig multiple times. approximate age: 32.

he was siting on the same 'bench' as i was, with one person between us. he kept mumbling to himself, most of if too quiet to make out, even after i turned of my ipod to devote my full attention to him. But what i did hear him say was simply amazing.

"Go to Chicago. IF you have $8000 in your bank account" starts laughing as if $8000 is them most unreasonable thing he's ever heard. "the only way to get there though is from broadway to 23rd"

we were at 14th street and the train conductor announced transfers and connections. the man said "PATH TRAIN!?! AWESOME!!!" then got super serious and said "whoops! shouldn't have heard that."

"does anyone have some sunkist? i really need the caffeine"

"what happened to our story about the gardener?"

unfortunately, those are really the only things i could make out. but i'm sure whatever he was saying the rest of our 17ish minute relationship on the F train was simply amazing. i really wish i could have taken a picture of him, but i was afraid he would totally notice and kick the shit out of me.