but it just may be a lunatic you're looking for

So, we all know how much i hate dating in this city. or lack there of. My friend Katie has recently created a template for an online dating profile on her blog. It was hilarious, so i've decided to straight up steal her idea.

Date Me, Too.

A Realistic Portrayal of Casey Nicole Wright
based on motivation by Katie of the Sea

From blog

Username:

GetUpInTheseGuts84

I am controlling, conceited, and pessimistic

(three words to describe myself)

My Self Summary

Can't seem to trick boys into dating me in real life, so its time to move onward and upward. Online dating!

I would say I have no idea what i want in life and am therefore open to new experiences, and 100% determined and set in my ways. I believe in hopes and dreams. I want to be an actress if/when i grow up. I am currently partially unemployed, so I'm looking for someone with enough money to support me and my drinking habits-- which includes the occasional m-f 40's/bottle of wine from the bodega/home made martini's with my roommates and the fri-sun bar crawl until i pass out or throw up with my friends. It would be really nice if i didn't have to get another soul sucking part time job so i can focus all of my energy on sleeping in and buying new outfits.

I'm very loyal. to my friends. i spend a lot of my free time with them, and will expect you to join right in so you can see me. warning: don't expect that just because i'll eat half chewed food out of my friend's mouth to prove that i'm really his best friend, that i'll do anything to prove my love for you. you're the man. its your job to prove that to me. call me old fashioned....

I come from a very loving and supportive family; we’re very close. When my brother and sisters planned a hiking trip in Colorado and didn’t invite me, I didn’t even tell them how much it bothered me. I’m just a really understanding, passive aggressive person. I’m looking for someone who knows how to smile through passive aggressive comments, or you will not survive holidays with my family.

Every girl has daddy issues, you should know i would quantify mine as 'extra medium.'

I love children, but probably won't have any of my own. seems like a lot of work/time/money, and my husband is going to have his hands full putting up with my needs... i'd feel bad putting him in charge of the children as well. Plus I've promised rental space of my uterus to about 1 million gays, and there's only so much 'fertile' time left. I'm not 13 anymore!!!

Speaking of 13, i have the figure of a prepubescent boy. I make up for it with my radiantly blue eyes (a homeless man once proposed to me in the middle of the street because he thought they were so beautiful), blond hair that is always styled and trendy (my picture is all over the salon I used to work at... and in a few Detroit based magazines) and modesty.

...remember when i said i love children... i think i mean their sense of humor, as it is strikingly similar to my own. If you don't think a knock knock joke, a joke i find on a Popsicle stick or laffy taffy wrapper, or a poop joke is funny, its ok. i'll be happy to explain it to you until you do, or until i'm laughing so hard i can't breathe.

lets see... what else. when i wear sunglasses, i think i can say whatever i want because people can't see me, which means they probably can't hear me either. So if i say something rude and you look over at me and see me in my shades, don't worry, i didn't mean for you to hear it and would NEVER say it to your face if i wasn't wearing sunglasses.

Where you fit in: I'm not really looking for someone to keep me company when i'm lonely, cus i live with 3 boys and treasure whatever alone time i can get, or hold me when i'm crying because i've become accustomed to doing that by myself alone in the dark or on the subway with complete strangers, or even make me laugh, cus i laugh at my own jokes ALL the time. I'm really just looking for someone to take me nice dinners and buy me pretty things. I would like nothing more than to become a trophy wife one day. Although i'm not very good at being socially acceptable, so you probably shouldn't try to 'show me off' in front of your friends. I drop something, spill something, run into something or fall down at least 3 times a day.

What I'm Doing with My Life

Working a few meaningless part time jobs to pay the bills, blogging, pretending to be a socialite but without the class or elegance or money, and apologizing to my father for all of the dollars he spent on my college education.

I'm Really Good At

Coming up with witty insults in record time. you can say just about anything... and i'll have something negative to say about it split seconds later.

The First Thing People Usually Notice about Me

my bangs. but i'm not a hipster, i swear. i stopped shopping at american apparel YEARS ago when it started becoming too trendy. now most of the clothes i buy are vintage.

Favorite Books, Music, Movies and Food

BOOKS - Everyone Poops.

MUSIC - any song that has "do do do's" or "la la la's" instead of real words in the chorus

MOVIES - The Godfather (which i've actually never seen, but it's a classic)

FOOD - If it's free, it's me.

Six Things I Could Never Do Without

1. poop jokes 2. orange soda 3. Heating pads (serious addiction) 4. Ancient Egypt 5. Spell Check 6. hot dogs

I Spend a Lot of Time Thinking about

The fact that I’m not a famous movie star and in a serious relationship with a rock star/doctor/lawyer/banker yet. That shit just boggles my mind!!! I’m SUCH a catch! People are always so surprised when they meet me to learn that I’m single AND am not signed with a single talent agency in NYC. I try to explain to them that i don't understand it either, but i feel uncomfortable talking about myself. i'm really down to earth. my fans appreciate that about me... just a small town midwest girl trying to make it in the big city.

On a Typical Friday Night I Am

Predrinking for Saturday night.

The Most Private Thing I'm Willing to Admit Here

~I once cried at a Beyonce concert because the song "Irreplaceable" was so moving.
~ i'm way more prone to buying new underwear than carrying my laundry bag 2 blocks to the Laundromat where i drop of my clothes for someone else to clean and fold, cus i know i'm just gonna have to walk there tomorrow and pick them up and carry them all the way home.

~i have trouble pronouncing the words "biological" and "aesthetically" and "dresser" or "dress" or any word beginning with a "dr"

You Should Message Me If
you are James Franco, Pete Doherty or Richie Sambora

You have day dreams about Rat C.E.O's and meetings they hold in the subway.

you are looking for a funny witty girl to treat like a princess. only don't ever call me a princess because it just has such a negative connotation these days.

not even on cold meds anymore...

Sometimes when i wear these slippers i'm afraid they're gonna take over my entire body and i will turn into a monster.

it hasn't happened yet, so thats good. although i think i'd be more of a friendly monster than a scary monster. so i guess i would be ok with it.

So... do you come here often?

things you shouldn't do if you're trying to pick up a girl at a bar. My second installation.

1.) Open with the line "Do you like Cleavland Steamers."
maybe this is a funny thing to say after you've been talking to a girl for a while, and you've established the fact that you are being funny and you're not actually going to shit on her chest. as an opener.... never.

2.) Punch her in the face four times while you're dancing with her.
if you don't know how to do fancy spins without punching a girl in the face, don't do fancy spins. and if you punch her in the face once, do not do 3 more spins and continue to punch her in the face.

3.) Lets say you actually do get a girls attention, and you get her to approach you. such as in the following scenario. Last night i was wearing a shirt that on the front said "Franks Says Relax" and the back said "don't do it." A guy tapped me on the shoulder and opened his blazer to reveal a shirt that said "just do it." So I walked up to him and said "Are you my soulmate?" (sorry KTDM) He said "no. your shirt says 'don't do it.' mine says 'just do it.' i'm just saying, maybe you shouldn't be so uptight." and he said it as if he was serious. My advice is, maybe stick with something a little more positive and opens the door for more conversation.

I will say that my "be a condescending bitch to boys who use douchy pick up lines on you because it will at least be funny for you since this is clearly not gonna go anywhere" game kinda backfired last night.
As i was talking to my friends, some dude came up and said "You're not even gonna say hi to me?" i condescendingly said "oh. sorry for being so rude. my bad." He said "how have you been?" i condescendingly said "You mean since the last time i saw you? i'd say i'm doing alright, yourself" he said "do you not remember me?" but he's still saying it as if he's playing some sort of game or dropping some sort of line, so i continue to be condescending and say "oh of course i do. we're like BFFs, hang out all the time! good to see you!" he said "no seriously. i've met you like 6 times." What he didn't know was that i have a very good memory of at least faces if not names. i would have believed him if he said he had seen me at party or a club or whatever, but MET me 6 times seems unlikely. so i ask "Oh really? Whats my name?" he thinks for second and says "i can't think of it but i know it starts with a C" could be a lucky guess. but guessing 'c' generally isn't a good 'go to' for a girls name. I'm starting to think maybe i HAD met this kid "i say yes. its casey. and yours?" he answers "Brian. You're friends with T Wigg right?" shit. yes. i am friends with Tom Wigg, thats who i was there with that night. "i went to high school... and actually middle school with him." oops! i ask "So... I actually know you?" he says "Yes. I've hung out with you multiple times with drewmate and HWP Jones the third, you're on all tom's mass email lists.. i think i have an email from you on my phone right now." no way to recover from that. i smile say "Oh, right, Brian. of course i remember you! how have you been?" he says "you have no idea who i am do you?"

he was correct. i apologized to Tom for being a complete and utter condescending bitch to his friend. I apologized to him later explaining that I'm not usually a huge bitch, i just thought he was trying to use a douchy pick up line on me, and i don't deal with that very well. he said he understood.

casey+single=forever.

come on ride the train... and ride it.

another spectacular find on the train this week.

a man. dressed in a red tight v-neck shirt. bright orange pants, with tanning lotioned skin to match, with black shoulder length curly hair. like.... spiral curls. i checked if it was a wig multiple times. approximate age: 32.

he was siting on the same 'bench' as i was, with one person between us. he kept mumbling to himself, most of if too quiet to make out, even after i turned of my ipod to devote my full attention to him. But what i did hear him say was simply amazing.

"Go to Chicago. IF you have $8000 in your bank account" starts laughing as if $8000 is them most unreasonable thing he's ever heard. "the only way to get there though is from broadway to 23rd"

we were at 14th street and the train conductor announced transfers and connections. the man said "PATH TRAIN!?! AWESOME!!!" then got super serious and said "whoops! shouldn't have heard that."

"does anyone have some sunkist? i really need the caffeine"

"what happened to our story about the gardener?"

unfortunately, those are really the only things i could make out. but i'm sure whatever he was saying the rest of our 17ish minute relationship on the F train was simply amazing. i really wish i could have taken a picture of him, but i was afraid he would totally notice and kick the shit out of me.

Sometimes i play dress up.

Styleline Magazine did an article on FIGO salon in Birmingham, MI. My FIGO Family flew me home so I could model for them. I was extremely flattered and honored. Rino and Kristina always do such a great job with photoshoots, and this was no exception. Plus it was great to hang out with all my old coworkers and friends for a weekend. Here's some of the pics from the shoot. (Hair and Styling by Kristina Marra of FIGO salon, Make up by Justin Ruppel of FIGO salon Photography by John Roe)

here's a link to the article in case you'd like to read it. especially pages 56-60 as well as the table of contents on page 13. some one might be famous.

i think this is the start of a beautiful friendship.

86.3 the groove recently celebrated its one year anniversary. CONGRATS TO US. an entire year living together, and no one has died. or gone to jail. that's truly remarkable. We also recently (or about a month ago) started renovating our apartment to make it look like grown ups live here. or at least a house full of good actors who from time to time like to play make believe. we still have a little work to do, but what we've done so far is looking prettttty good. i really do LOVE my roommates and feel so happy and honored to be a part of this somewhat dysfunctional, but ultimately loving and supportive family we've created here in nyc.

Here's some pictures courtesy of Roger.

It also was nice to spend all weekend couped up in the apartment together with nothing but good company, good conversation and some paint fumes. We had a lot of good conversations about Sylvia Plath, were jared reminded me that i couldn't say things like "i just can't imagine killing myself while my children were in the house" because i'm not a mother yet. i may or may not still feel like that when the time comes. we read parts of the Kinsey report after a discussion of the Feminine Mystique where i finally found motivation to go to grad school. "Women with higher education are more likely to orgasm than women who get married young." These bachelor's degree O's just aren't cutting it for me. I also remembered how funny the name "Patches O'Houlihan" was. I said "you know whats funny? the name Patches O'Houlihan." and laughed to myself for 25 minutes.

matt also had one of the wittiest quickest comebacks i've ever heard.

Casey: Aren't you guys glad i'm not a total girlie girl, and i'm actually handy around the house?
Matt: I'll be a lot happier when i start receiving those handies.



another important discovery made while working on these renovations. the True Value 2 blocks from our house in the most happenin' place in brooklyn. every time we went to the hardware store we'd end up staying for at least an extra half an hour laughing about things such as 11" ballcocks. and the music there is better than any club i've been to in the city. i'm not even joking. now if only we could get them to fix the soda machine so we could be drinking orange soda while we walk around, and stay open til 4am, i think we may just have ourselves a new hangout.

Hey good lookin, whatcha got cookin

I've decided as part of our 3.5 week detox (that was officially ruined on the first day of our detox. by about 6pm) I'm going to cook more. mostly because i'm poor. also because people seem to like reading food blogs. and because i'm really sick of the sorry excuses for "Restaurants" in Bushwick. Except chinese food, but i can no longer go back there.

a couple weeks ago, i decided to stop by the Chinese take out place conveniently locate at the steps of the subway. I ordered my food, paid, threw a dollar on the counter and patiently waited for my orange chicken. he gave me my food, and stared at the dollar on the counter. "Miss?" he said. "Yeah, thats for you" i said. He looked at me like i was crazy. thats when i remembered that you don't tip for chinese FOOD you tip for chinese food DELIVERY. or a waiter at an actual restaurant, i suppose. not some guy working behind a counter at what would be equivalent to a McDonald's. embarrassing. so i'm never going back. i don't need their slanty eyes of judgment. (racial).

so i came home and cooked. and what a beautiful i prepared, if i do say so myself.

i know what you're thinking. "WOAH! Where'd you learn to cook a meal like that??? did you graduate from some sort of culinary school? is the plate sitting on a chair because you don't own a kitchen table or an end table? Are those fish filets from a box? did those waffle fries come pre-seasoned??? what brand of ketchup did you use? Do you and your roommates own an entire set of blue plastic cutlery?"

you know what, guys? I don't have time to answer those questions, ok! I'm really busy avoiding looking at my bank statement, not doing my own laundry and sitting next to 3 months of gas bills that haven't been paid even though we only own national grid approximately $6 each. I will tell you this. i'm going to make some man so happy someday.

Best part of the meal, however, is yet to come. When i went to the bodega next door to buy an orange soda, i was lucky enough to find the most perfectest desert:

just in case you folk in the back can't quite read that, its called a BUBU LUBU. Don't mind if i DOBU. this candybar seems a little too good to be TRUEBU. the best part about it....

it looks like Hanky the Christmas POOBU.

ok i'll stop.

but if you have any questions, feel free to call the number listed on the back of the candy bar. they seem to encourage it. (too small for a photograph, so i'll have to type it out) GET IN TOUCH WITH US. 18 77 22 47 374 A good Americanly formatted phone number. i can't guarantee it'll be a toll free call.

A post-pubescent meal such as this can mean one thing: I don't respect myself.

i did manage to use the oven all by myself. Gold star for me.

Detox: 2010

Its time for what has become an annual event at 86.3 the groove. our infamous 2 week Detox. Starting today until St. Patty's day, the 4 of us will give up substance abuse, fried food and i give up shitty television. Last year we were all 100% successful. I have nothing but complete faith that we will pull it off again. only one problem. I just realized we miscalculated and St Patty's day is actually 3.5 weeks away. i guess thats what we get for being such wastoids. we can't even put together a proper detox. we should have planned this when we were sober. shit.

"no you can't have my number, cus i lost my phone"

luckily for me, a homeless woman found it and called my parents 7 times starting at 6:30am. and anthony a little before 9. and bully's deli twice. which is super strange because i had ordered a sandwich from there on tuesday night, but don't have the number saved in my phone. i googled it out of curiosity when i got home. so she either scrolled thru ALL of my outgoing calls and found the only 212 number i've called all week, or she, too, wanted a buffalo chicken wrap. no calls to any foreign countries, so thats good. My parents called both my roommates, twice each, leaving voicemails about my safety and where abouts. i was sleeping soundly on drew's couch. I actually didn't think it was a big deal when i realized i had lost my phone and called it to check my voicemail and found out that some crazy homeless lady found it. a little surprised when she answered. I was caught off guard and could only think to say "Hello? do you have my phone?" Drew kindly informed me "if she says no, she's lying." The whole thing went a lot more smoothly than when i left my phone in a cab a few months ago, and the cab driver called roger, but didn't speak english and kept yelling "TELEPHONO" and then hanging up. Why even bother getting in touch with me if you're going to make zero effort to give me my phone back? or speak english. But apparently it was kind of a big deal to people like my parents. Crazy homeless lady informed me that she had called both of my parents, and apologized in case she got me in trouble. "no, they're cool. its fine" I called my Dad to let him know i had tracked my phone and was gonna go pick it up (AKA would not be borrowing $200 for a new blackberry) and he said "well i can finally breathe now. do you have any idea what its like to get a phone call from some crazy homeless woman that she's found your daughters phone in pieces in the streets of new york city and have no way to get in contact with you?" i can't really say that i do, but i would imagine it wasn't the most pleasant morning in my household. "hold on, let me get your mother so she can hear your voice." The crazy homeless lady had told my mother she found it "on these damn dirty streets." my mother called jared explaining 'apparently casey was in a not so great place last night..." which is really funny to me because i was at "avenue" in the meat packing district. i probably dropped my phone getting into the limo that took us home.

people who were contacted in order to find me/my phone for those of you keeping track:
-Mom
-Dad
-Anthony
-Bully's Deli
-Emily
-Jared
-Roger
-Matt
-Carrie
-Katie
-Harry
-Drew
-Kelly K
-Cory

so that was the great search and rescue mission of 2010. there was actually a lot of details that were left out of that story because i felt like it was getting too long and boring. but lets just say losing my phone was possibly a bigger deal than baby jessica falling in that well. which, all said and done, i really do appreciate. good to know so many people care about me enough to track me down and make sure i'm not dead for my parents.

thats not really what i wanted to blog about today though. I wanted to start a new segment of my blog called "things you shouldn't say to a girl to try to pick her up at a bar." But that lily allen song 'knock em out' came on and i thought it was a good title... and the rest is history. so... without any further ado... "things you shouldn't say to a girl to try to pick her up at a bar." this will probably, most likely, unfortunately, be a reoccurring segment of my blog.

"just because i can't remember your name doesn't mean i'm not obsessed with you"

"You seem like a girl i could talk to for more than 20 minutes without wanting to kill myself"

"your boyfriend doesn't appreciate your haircut"

"we kinda had a bet going to see if you girls were on a first date or something. we've been watching you all night."

those things are complimentary or interesting. Ok, i lied, the haircut line has a 50% chance of eliciting a response. i just personally refuse to reward any boy for a line like that where i have to start out my response with "i don't have a boyfriend." don't think you're tricking us with that. we know exactly what you're trying to do. it is not slick or subtle. but, the idea of my haircut being underappreciated is hilarious. I do like to reward things that are creative and funny.

Now, a one act play.

PLACE: Puck Fair. New York, NY
TIME: a couple weeks ago
CAST: The role of Casey will be played by Casey. The role of boy will be played by a boy at puck fair.
Lights up! and.. go.
Boy: "Can i buy you a drink"
Casey: "oh, no thats ok. actually my friends and i are about to leave"
Boy: "Oh come on, stay for one drink."
Casey: "No i really can't, but thank you for the offer"
Boy: "No don't worry about it, its on the company card."

Casey thinks to herself "where exactly to do work that i am considered a business expense?" slash "oh thank god! for a minute i was worried that you were gonna spend $8 of your OWN money on a drink i didn't want in the first place." but boy has walked away too quickly for her to chose which to say to him.

Boy reenters the scene with an 18oz bottle of beer and a glass. *note to the properties master: beer bottles don't exist in that size, but if this kid can make it happen so can you. Casey pours half of the beer in the glass and hands it to the boy. they talk (casey should not be portrayed as a complete bitch. she is actually being quite polite to boy's face), Casey passes the bottle she's drinking out of to the 4 friends accompanying her in an effort to finish it quickly and leave (note from the playwright. casey is kind of a bitch).

Boy: "I'm sorry 3 of my friends came over here to talk to you earlier"
FLASHBACK: montage of 3 boys separately approaching Casey as she's pleasantly talking with her friends to tell her how outstanding she looks. she is flattered, and very surprised, but not impressed. Cut back to present time.
Boy: I think i lost my job today, so they're trying to set me up with you because you're so hot."

And... Curtain.

what. how do you even respond to that?

Now, i do give guys that hit on me at bars a little bit of credit. it takes balls to walk up to me because i'm constantly surrounded by dudes where ever i go. it actually really doesn't happen that often, so you would think with the amount of complaining about being single that i've done that 'beggars can't be choosers' and i should treat these prospective future boyfriends a little more delicately. however, i am not impressed by 'game' at all, and i will not put up with it. i recognize that shit immediately and make sure do everything in my power to make it as difficult as possible for a guy to get any information out of me at all. or i just don't respond at all and find an excuse to walk away if i'm feeling courteous. but most of the time, i'm condescending as hell. as i should be. at least its a little more entertaining for me. i think pick up lines that aren't funny are just insulting to my intelligence. which is why i've listened to that lily allen song four times while writing this entry.

"Oh yeah, actually yeah I'm pregnant, having a baby in like 6 months so no."

"Umm... i'm like, getting married next week. yeah, seriously."

"Nah I've gotta go cos my house is on fire, I've hot Herpes, err no I've got syphilis..."

don't be surprised if you hear me saying any of those things to some rando at some point. in an english accent. also, don't be surprised when i die alone with my cat and gallons upon gallons of ice cream wearing some type of jogging running windpant attire.

i thought love was only true in fairytales

first and foremost. i'm a nerd.

now, on with the blog entry:
Last week, KTDM and I went to the Guggenheim to see their Motion and Emotion... presentation? series? it wasn't an exhibit. but i don't really know what its called. It was a speaker, Biological Anthropologist Dr. Helen Fisher talking about the science of love, and two dancers from the Paris Ballet doing 3 pieces about love. a cruel reminder that i'm not in love, nor am i a ballerina. Happy Valentines day to me. I've come to terms with the fact that i will never be an actual ballerina. I stopped taking ballet when i was 4, which was my first mistake. I had one last hoorah in high school with my " good witch of the north" ballet solo. I think i've milked that lack of talent for all its worth at this point. However, i did learn a lot about love that i think i will use in my future. actually not really. I learned about the brain systems that are engaged when one feels 'in love' and the evolutionary reasoning behind the human tendency toward monogamous relationships , and a little about why we choose the people we fall in love with. So not necessarily useful information in my quest to get married in the next 6 months so i can quit my job and audition full time, but I'm a huge nerd and loved every second of it. i was actually a little upset that i didn't have a pen and notepad when i was there. I'll probably buy all of her books. I won't bore you with more details. unless you ask me to. in which case, i may even pull out my old training folder from Olin Health Center and my Interpersonal Relationships class notes and give you a full blown presentation. i will get so excited as i'm talking about it i'll probably get tears in my eyes. just like when i talk about Egypt. which i actually don't know that much about, but am so fascinated by.

I will just say, Dr. Fisher has a quiz up online based from her book 'Why Him, Why Her.' Its one of the more accurate personality tests i've taken. If you're into that sort of thing. the website is http://www.chemistry.com/whyhimwhyher/ yes, it is on a dating site, but its still really interesting.

It was also a reminder that i actually could go back to school for something if i really needed to. I don't know if Biological Anthropology is the right path, as it sounds like a LOT more school and a LOT of science. But maybe a masters in Public Health and study Sexual Health Education. Working as a creative consultant in sexual health in college was HANDs down the best JOB i've ever had. those two words were not capitalized for dramatic effect in context of the sentence, just for the record.


But... who are we kidding. my true passion is still acting. or directing. but mostly acting. However, when i am rich and famous and ready to donate some time/money back into the community, i'm gonna start a theatre troupe like the one i did in college (In Your Face Reality Theatre) and travel to inner high schools. may have to tone it down a little for high schoolers though.

so... thats what i'm gonna do when i grow up.

sorry. sometimes i'm a nerd.